My First Wedding

This is my first wedding and I hope it is my last
Things would be fantastic if me and the bride didn’t have a past
So I stand by the buffet and submerse myself in brie
I’m tactically positioned
Yeah because the bar is near and the champagne’s for free

Oooh oooh ooh ooh

This is my first wedding and I hope it passes quick,
If I’ve got no feelings for her then why is my stomach feeling so sick?
As they dance to their soppy song I pray it isn’t love
Because she’s my heartless bitch that I just can’t seem to get enough of

Oooh oooh ooh ooh

She’s not that beautiful, she’s not that beautiful!
She’ll steal your mind first then your car
she’s not that beautiful, she’s not that beautiful!
Blame it on an evil twist of fate, that she created from the start

Just one more single malt then it’s off to bed for me
My head is spinning round and my legs are break-dancing (HE’S PISSED!)
I only meant to say farewell but I spilt more than my drink
I can’t remember exactly what I said

but I remember being chased up the street!

Oooh oooh ooh ooh

She’s not that beautiful, she’s not that beautiful!
She’ll steal your mind first then your car
She’s not that beautiful, she’s not that beautiful!
Blame it on an evil twist of fate, that she created from the start

She’s not that beautiful, she’s not that beautiful!

Patricia the Stripper

She works downtown in an unmarked bar,
Flyin’ round poles she always gave me the fright of my life
I didn’t mean to get involved it was the alcohol
Mixed with an empty feelin’ inside.
Its such a bad idea to fall in love with a ‘lady of the night’

Why didn’t God give her two left feet
Then she couldn’t run away from me!

Months go by and I’m alone in bed
While she’s greasing up for when the businessmen and lawyers arrive
I’ve got to wear a beard a suit and tie
To get past the door if I want to see my girl tonight
I go to all this effort just to see my fair Patricia going home with some other guy

Why didn’t God give her two left feet
Then she couldn’t run away from me!
Why didn’t God give her two left feet
then she couldn’t run away from me!

She thinks I’m sad and that’s alright
But she doesn’t hate me so there’s my little alibi
I can’t, I can’t leave, I can’t I can’t I can’t
She’s my coked-up botox girl

Patricia, Patricia
Oh Patricia the Stripper you are my sunshine
Oh Patricia the stripper come on home tonight
Oh Patricia the Stripper you are my sunshine
So why can’t you come home with me tonight?

Dr. Suzanne Mattox Phd

I’m going to the doctors on Friday, I’m going to the doctors on Friday
Yeah they’ll make me better, they give me pills and all sorts
My GP’s gonna help me this Friday
Her name is Suzanne and she’s got a PHD an I think she likes me
Well she’s always smiling

Don’t think I’m wasting your time
This is not a drama piece, Im not here to tell you lies
Suzanne you better believe me this time!

Help me Suzanne help help me Suzanne
Help me Suzanne help help me Suzanne
Ooooh ooh ooh oh oh oooh ooooh

They tell me to stop smoking but I’ll do it anyway
She told me to stop smoking but I’ll do it anyway
I don’t care now, I can’t see it hurt me

They tell me to stop drinking but I’ll do it anyway
They tell me to stop drinking but I’ll do it anyway
I don’t care now, Maybe I’m fine inside!

Don’t think I’m wasting your time
This is not a drama piece, Im not here to tell you lies
Suzanne you better believe me this time!

Help me Suzanne help help me Suzanne
Help me Suzanne help help me Suzanne
Ooooh ooh ooh oh oh oooh ooooh

Help me Suzanne help help me Suzanne
Help me Suzanne help help me Suzanne
Ooooh ooh ooh oh oh oooh ooooh

Little Miss Pipedream

I think the postman intercepts everything I’m trying to send to you
Cause he’s infatuated and he’s the fulcrum between us two
And I can’t say I blame him cause I’d cheat a priest just to get to you
Oooooo…
She works in a dental practice 9 ’till 5 how does she manage?
Considering her nights don’t pass out ’till 3
So I guess that flossing is the last thing in her health routine
Oooooo…
And I don’t mind that she gets hammered and goes home with other guys
There’s no jealousy cause she’s little Miss Pipedream fantasy
Oooooo…
I saw her slam back tequila’s like Oliver Reed on an Irish stag doo
And I’ll wait if you stay cause foggy London town’s not built for me or you
Don’t leave Miss Pipedream cause I love you
Oooooo…
And I don’t mind that she gets hammered and goes home with other guys
There’s no jealousy though she’ll grind it out with friends but not with me
She’s my little pipedream fantasy
Oooooo…

 

Backfire At The Disco

It`s 8`o clock and I’m feeling fine I’m out on a date tonight in a candle lit restaurant down by the river side
Everything’s going alright I guess
She took down my number and home address
Everything was going perfectly until…

It backfired at the disco, she slapped me at the disco, I did something I’ll never forget

It was a chat-up line built not to impress
More a sleazy remark on her whorish dress
My wires crossed like they’ve never done before
Well it’s 3 o’ clock and I’m feeling shite
I’m going home alone tonight
everything was going perfectly until…

It backfired at the disco, she slapped me at the disco
I did something I’ll never forget
It backfired at the disco, we were dancing at the disco
I made a move when it was well out of context

It backfired at the disco, we were dancing at the disco
It backfired at the disco, we were dancing at the disco
Yeah, it backfired at the disco, when she slapped me at the disco
It backfired at the disco, we were dancing at the disco

Let’s Dance To Joy Division

I’m back in Liverpool,
And everything seems the same,
But I worked something out last night,
That changed this little boys brain,
A small piece of advice,
That took twenty-two years in the make,
And I will break it for you now,
Please learn from my mistakes,
Please learn from my mistakes.

Let’s dance to joy division,
And celebrate the irony,
Everything is going wrong,
But we’re so happy,
Let’s dance to joy division,
And raise our glass to the ceiling,
‘Cause this could all go so wrong,
But we’re so happy,
Yeah we’re so happy.

So if you’re ever feeling down,
Grab your purse and take a taxi,
To the darker side of town,
That’s where we’ll be,
And we will wait for you and lead you through the dance floor,
Up to the DJ booth,
You know what to ask for,
You know what to ask for.

Go ask for Joy Division,
And celebrate the irony,
Everything is going wrong,
But we’re so happy,
Let’s dance to Joy Division,
And raise your glass to the ceiling,
‘Cause this could all go so wrong,
But we’re so happy,
So happy.

So let the love tear us apart,
I’ve found the cure for a broken heart,
Let it tear us apart,
Let the love tear us apart,
I’ve found the cure for a broken heart,
Let it tear us apart,
(Let it tear us apart)
So let the love tear us apart,
I’ve found the cure for a broken heart,
Let it tear us apart,
(Let it tear us apart)
So let the love tear us apart,
I’ve found the cure for a broken heart,
Let it tear us apart,
Let it tear us apart,
Let it tear us apart.

Let’s dance to joy division,
And celebrate the irony,
Everything is going wrong,
But were so happy,
Let’s dance to joy division,
And raise our glass to the ceiling,
‘Cause this could all go so wrong,
But we’re so happy,
Yeah we’re so happy,
So happy,
Yeah we’re so happy,
So happy,
Yeah we’re so happy.

Here Comes The Anxiety

I’d say that this is the darkest song I ever wrote
No hint of a smile or the usual quirky anecdote
No this is a song about someone knew what not to say, what not to do
So now I think I’ll just be honest.

I hope that no one ever leaves
Cos I don’t wanna be alone with me
Not with the things that rush up and down this symphonous spine

Here comes the love anxiety, can’t let it grab a hold of me, not after last time

Why do you have to wear skirts and heels like that?
She’s blinding anyway but now she’s floodlighting up the match.

Well it’s 20 minutes ’til showtime,
but the backstage is the stage tonight,
so now,
I think I’ll just be honest.

I hope that no one ever leaves,
’cause I don’t wanna be alone with me,
not with the things that rush up and down this symphonous smile.

Here comes the love anxiety,
can’t let it grab a hold of me,
not like the last time.

Here comes the love anxiety,
it’s gonna grab a hold of me,
just like the last time

School Uniforms

It all started on the school bus,
You were 9 and I was 10,
Remember you had a Walkman,
All I had was a middle part and a pen

Oh sweet Louise,
Whatever happened to her?

Then is all went downhill,
You grew tall I stayed the same,
I guess that’s just puberty,
Making us boys all play a losing game

Oh sweet Louise

I always found it hard to work things through,
Those school uniforms made a joke,
Made a joke of me and you,
I’m glad I’m not back in school

She got an older boyfriend (how could she?)
Had a beard,
Smoked Marlboro red,
How can I compete with that? (how can he?)
I don’t even know the location of the bike sheds

Oh sweet Louise

I always found it hard to work things through,
Those school uniforms made a joke,
Made a joke of me and you,
I always found it hard to work things through,
Those school uniforms made a joke,
Made a joke of me and you

I remember short skirts,
Long hair,
My hormones flying everywhere

I always found it hard to work things through,
Those school uniforms made a joke,
Made a joke of me and you,
I always found it hard to work things through,
Those school uniforms made a joke,
Made a joke of me and you

I’m glad I’m not back in school

Party In A Forest (Where’s Laura?)

Am I in a scene from ‘Midsummer Nights Dream’?
I thought raves like these died in the 90s?
The forest is breathing along with us tonight
Upper Class thugs take middle-class drugs
And we all get lowered in size
This is not my scene, I should not be here tonight

Laura, ooh oh oooh oooh oh
Laura, ooh oh oooh oooh oh
Laura you could get me home tonight

Trance music bangs a comical dance of cardboard boxes and fish
We’re the fairies from hell and we’re all on a death wish
This is not my scene, this is killing me
I don’t want to be here tonight
And the girl who can save me is well across the Pennines

Laura, ooh oh oooh oooh oh
Laura, ooh oh oooh oooh oh
Laura you could get me home tonight

Laura, ooh oh oooh oooh oh
Laura, ooh oh oooh oooh oh
Laura you could get me home tonight

Lost in the Post

I should have known you didn’t have the time my dear
To let this twenty something bring you down with his list of fears
I’d like to think we had some fun times though
It’s just my inability to think outside the box I know!She was signed, sealed and lost in the post,
Gone where all the letters we write to Santa go
(Go to Santa Go!)

I could see your interest wane my dear
She wanted Mary Poppins and I took her to King Lear
Yes we’ve had some spills shall I say
And I thought you were going to leave, but not that you’d evaporate

She was signed, sealed and lost in the post,
Gone where all the letters we write to Santa go
(Go to Santa Go!)

Please go to Santa go to Santa go go go…….

She was signed, sealed and lost in the post,
Gone where all the letters we write to Santa go
(Go to Santa Go!)